Shopping for Penguins
by JustJayKing1
Summary: Written for the 7/25/2015 livestream: Nico should really leave his phone on the S.S LP when he shops. Rated T for language and crazy bullshit plots.


**Hello again everyone, and you too Nico if you're reading this. In preparation for the next livestream tonight (7/25/2015), I wrote another fanfiction. This is the first time I've written in an outside point of view, so I apologize in advance if it seems a little awkward. Anyway, enjoy this random little slice of life fic!**

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Shopping is definitely not your thing, you think to yourself. The music on the intercom is annoying, the advertisements are always obnoxious, and the people... Well. Strange is the nicest way you can put it. But there was no getting around it this time, you can only eat instant noodles for dinner so many times before you crack.

As bored as you are, you still didn't mean to eavesdrop on the guy down the aisle, the one in the polo shirt and the nerdy glasses. He just sorta... talked really loud. And looked at the piece of paper in his hand with the solemnity of a Civil War soldier who knew the doctor would be coming in to saw a leg off. And yeah, maybe you did somehow get closer to him (close enough to hear a muddled voice on the other end of the phone), but it wasn't because you were spying on him or anything. You totally weren't. (Most of what he said didn't make sense anyway.)

For one thing, he started off the conversation with; "Bagels, did you seriously ask for a **thousand pounds** of raw fish and P.F Changs?" You and the little old couple behind him turned to stare at the guy. Someone (totally not you) snorted. He continued on, unperturbed by the looks. "What the flying fruity fuck, man? That's ridiculous! If you want that much food you can come get it yourself!"

That was the point in the conversation where you had started to move closer. Because you wanted to see the cereals that were in that part of the aisle, of course. You could hear a muffled screeching from the other person on the other end of the phone. That's odd, it almost sounded like a bird... poor guy must be married to a real hag or something.

"I'm serious." There was a short pause. "Yes I know there's a lot of you guys now. But-" There was muffled screeching and the man sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Fine, you win. Anything else you wanted before I get off?" Another short pause and some more screeching before the man blurts out in exasperation, "What?! No! Put Edgeworth on the phone right now, I need to tell him this myself."

Though you couldn't make out the words, the next voice on the phone has such an annoyingly smug tone that you can't blame the man for looking ready to punch something. You pick up a random box of cereal, suddenly interested in the nutritional value of Lucky Frosted Fruit Cardboard Flake Loop Charms(TM). The little old couple had left in a hurry as soon as the swearing had started, but a few more people had curiously approached after hearing the outburst. And yet the man continued his rant without a care for his audience.

"Listen here, you bastard! You're lucky we let you stay on the ship, especially after you scarred half the stream with your sexy singing shenanigans! And now you want me to use up our precious grocery money and cart space on fucking _neck scarves_? Hell no! This ends now." Barely intelligible shouting came back from the phone. "Edgeworth I swear to god- put Blue Flare on the phone. Yes put him on right now! He'll back me up, I just know it."

Another pause. A small crowd has trickled in by now, all intently staring and studying the nutritional value of Lucky Frosted Fruit Cardboard Flake Loop Charms(TM) with you.

"Flare you got to help me out here, there's no way in hell I can allow so much pretentious doucheiness on the S.S LP." Whatever 'Blue Flare' replied must have been bad, or at least negative enough to make the man furrow his brow. "Not you too. Seriously- wait. Is Edgeworth singing his 'I'm so sexy' song again? He knows that's cheating!"

You snorted and hoped he didn't hear you.

"Blue Flare please, it's bad enough I'm buying so many bagels for Komeada. God knows he won't just eat nice, normal waffles (because they represent despair or whatever, kid's fucking bananas) but now I gotta buy a decade's worth of fashion accessories for the asshole that still gets pissy about all the penguins on board?!"

...penguins?

"Oh haha, very funny. What about the rest of our groceries? I won't be able to get anything else, let alone fit it all in the cart!"

 _Penguins?!_

"Give the phone to Soul, maybe I haven't lost him yet."

What did he mean by penguins?! Why the plural? Who the hell has even one penguin (besides maybe Eskimos or something okay shut up now you are not a racist). let alone multiple? The man sighed, unaware of your inernal questioning of everything. "Soul! You're my last hope here man, Blue Flare and Edgeworth have teamed up on me!"

Was this 'Soul' guy a part of this weird penguin pile? Where there other penguins you should be aware of? The questions are endless but it doesn't matter because now the man was dramatically gasping, clutching his heart. "Nooooo! Not you too! I know today is shopping day, that's my problem! You guys only need this crazy shit when it's my shopping day? Why don't you make Morishigue do any of this, huh?!"

This is too much. You decide it was time to leave this aisle, leave the man to his business (and the slowly growing crowd). You'd been there for a while, and there were people waiting for you at home. Then, the man suddenly straightened. His face went pale. " _What."_

You decided your family could wait a few more minutes.

"He couldn't. _He wouldn't..._ " he continued as his grip on the cart tightened. Suddenly there was loud cawing and squawking was audible from the phone. The man shrieked- literally shrieked- and frantically pushed the cart towards the baked goods aisle. "TELL KOMEADA TO PUT BAGELS DOWN I'M GETTING HIS DAMN BAGELS. Fuck fuck fuck please don't hurt my little buddy-!"

His shouting grew muffled as he turned out of the cereal aisle, pushing past the stunned and utterly confused crowd wildly.

...You decide to go out shopping here more often.

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 **Worry not, picky penguins, Bagels the penguin was fine. Komeada bribed him with a fish to make a ruckus so Nico would hurry up and bring him his bagels. Because he's a crazy asshole. Most of this was written at 3:00am with no beta reader and the rest at 9:30pm with too much caffeine so I apologize again for any spelling errors. I hope you liked it and enjoy the stream!**


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